2025-04-20_unsure

i’m in the unsure, uncertain space of reading a piece of searing, trans-formative literature and not knowing if it will stick in this way or that. i know already, like i knew after reading “Can the Monster Speak?”, that i cannot go back. but where will i go then? how much of the momentum, the energy for movement that is being created by m(y) intra-actions with these words, this knowledge, will stay and where will it take me / where will i take it / where will we take each other? i’m very confused, not sure.
it isn’t the first time i’ve thought of m(y) sexuality / erotic fragmentarity as having proximity with lesbianism. even without having read what i have now. but it’s different now. it is the first time i’ve thought about becoming a trans* woman. m(y) feminism is changing, (re)evolving. and looking back, that spells wholesale change for m(y) becomings. but what will it be? will it be what i’m thinking now? will it not? will it be something else? i don’t know. i’m not sure. i do know that i’m extremely sensitive to this kind of literature. it burrows itself in m(y) body, it touches and moves m(e) deeply, intimately and intensely. i’m transported back to those moments of realization after having read “Can the Monster Speak?”. it feels like it was clearer then, the shift. easier to know what it was/is (but not necessarily to act on it more extensively). i guess there is one thing both of these cases make clear: i am not a (patriarchal) man, i do not want to be a man and i will not be a man. that much is clear. what i want to be instead is less so. how i want to be instead might be a better way to put it. i don’t really think anyone is a “man”, they just act as/like “men”*. so how do i want to act instead? what/how do i want the results, the contours, the traces of m(y) gendered movements over time to become?

* and i think deep down they know that too. and i think that scares the absolute shit out of many of them.